Trying to gather thoughts

What's going on? What are they thinking? What was I thinking? How does that feel? Am I thinking too much, too little? Life. What a gift. I am amazed when I take a quick second or minute to try and thank through the who realm of one event. It reminds me of a movie called Vantage Point (ok, not great), where in every situation there are as many vantage points as people and even more when you include past and future thought, plus the overarching will of God in the instance. My grandma died 8 days ago. I miss her. I feel I love her more now than when she was alive. Because until I was able to step out of life and look at the incredible vastness of memories and lessons I learned from her, I couldn't see her fully. When I was preparing my notes for her funeral, I could only touch on some things to keep myself together and focused. But in the days since I have allowed the whole being of who she was to me to sink in. I am constantly humbled, saddened and thankful. I have tried to re-live my life with her, trying to remember any story I could. I usually don't make it through 3 or 4 before I get teary-eyed. But I believe I must allow the completeness of it all to come upon me to move on. I can't let her go half way, I need to soak in her whole life with me so I can both appreciate all she was and move on.

It is in this same thought process that I must live my life. Not always living in it, sometimes out of it, looking at it from the broad view. I try to do this already with my wife and children. I stare at the picture I have of them on my desk. I try to remember our first phone call, first date, kiss, etc. on up until today. I can treasure her so much more now. I try that with each child, and try to see how things have been lately. Have I been overly strong or weak? Have I held my wife enough, or loved my son enough? What can I do tonight when I get home to make all of them both feel as precious to me as they are, and how can I make tonight a memory I will always have. So I try to imagine how each situation from every point, my eyes, their eyes, someone watching, etc. As I try to suck the very marrow out of life...